Okay, by now....if you don't have a girlfriend and a life but with at least ten minutes of your leisure time to waste, like me, then I'm sure you've given Stunner's voice note a listen. No, I don't mean Birdman! I mean worse. You remember Pokello? Yes, that Stunner. Well, if you haven't, I suggest you spend the ten minutes in bed rather, coz what bad is it to miss out on one of the worst exhibitions of African stupidity in Zimbabwean history. Not to say I actually expected him to say anything intellectual but I feel like I underrated this fella's vacuity by miles.
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| Stunner |
by Malcom 'The Mind' Mufunde
If you're a Zim Hip Hop fan, then you might have attended the awards show. If you're a good music fan, then you prolly don't even know what those are. Well, they're a pretty sh1tty event that honors the Lil Boats, Lil Uzis and 21 Savages of dear old Rhodesia. To begin with, any smart head knows those ain't worth two cents of any kind. To end with, they actually ain't worth two cents of any kind. These are as valuable as a BET to Sir Paul McCartney, just low-end. So Stunner bagged a hat-trick and still had "harsh" words to say. Seriously? The only thing he could've fulminated about was to actually be disgraced as a nominee on anything Zim Hip Hop! But well, the dude actually expected more gongs, the irony! I'm sad to say I actually agree with a negligible fraction of what he brought up but a Dettol-efficient percentage of what he said was more nuts-y than Hitler himself. Since I loathe Calculus, abhor Psychology, detest Literature and abominate watching Manchester United play, allow me to exploit a ten minute share of my lifespan in breaking down the Piteous Mindset of Desmond Idiot, Part 2. Drum roll.
If you think his art is the fakest thing about him, you haven't paid attention to Stunner's accent. But well, who cares? So dude is blithesome he won a Best Dressed Award. The same award They give to has-beens in Red, White and Blue, you may remember B.O.B and Lecrae collecting those. Well, it's nothing to do with music, just choice of fashion which I have no problem with. It's that award you feel like giving someone not really good in music but deserving a little something for at least being there. Shakespeare calls it a consolation. My aunt calls it zvechirango. The ZHH organisers call it a Best Dressed Award. So he calls himself the slay king. The closest he'll actually ever be to such is his art being "slacking" in terms of development. But well, zvechirango ipai. Honest question though, how old is this dude? He says he wears his stuff SFTB. Talking about straight from the box, Joan Rivers could just pop out of her casket hearing such fashion-bruising news, lol. No disrespect, MHSRIP. Eminem, Nas, J. Cole, Chance The Rapper, ProVerb, Ill Matrix will never win something like a Best Dressed Award. Young Thug can win that any day. Hashtag: JusSayin.
I'm from Chitungwiza; the highest populated low-cost town in Zimbabwe. And trust me, the Stunner everyone knows outchea is Godo, Dhafu Korera and the Winky duets. Those songs are as old as my 4 Units at Grade 7 certificate. Just as much as my certificate risina basa, those songs.....ok. So don't you be out there talking about influence. Of the 13 million ZW people, 2 million in my city will gladly tell you they don't know sh1t about a post-2010 Stunner album. How influential! I don't remember a hit single from this dude since he got murdered by a Dancehall nigga, S/O to Di Bigman. Winky D- now that's influence. Killer T- influence. Jah Prayzah - influence. Stunner - has been. We all know their latest albums track for track by head. HipHop hasn't made quite a mark on the teapot landscape yet so let's just give a nigga the People's Choice Award. I'm sorry to say, not my 2 milli city-zens. Again, a People's Choice Award has nothing to do with the music! People could as well vote for him coz they prolly enjoyed the sextape for all we care. I've had the honor of discussing with The Game, Bibi Bourelly and B.O.B and they've taught me a lot about influence, positive or not. Bibi even went on to say; "@DonaldTrump was the People's Choice too." Nuff said. With all the money yamuinayo, Tsano, go buy a dictionary and flip em pages to entry "HUMBLE". You'll thank me later.
Ok, I do agree; the radio has played us some macabre and appalling music for the past eternity. Stunner made quite a good point there. It's time they play us some of that real good music. Deplorably and unfortunately, playing Stunner's music would be worsening matters. I wanna hear some Lincoln Tha Prez, Ill Matrix, Tanganyika and Jungle Kid on air. But if Stunner is to be added, I'm cool with the Ti Gonzi I'm feeling paRadio hangu. I have had the chance of being at Star FM myself quite a lot and the reason they don't play you is the same reason anyone else wouldn't play you; Your music sucks and they don't dickride, period. TehN gets minimal airplay on the same station, but he doesn't surf around sending voice notes. Glory days are over, sire. By the way, world, let me tell you a story. One day, yours truly was in studio with Mox and Ti Gonzi was freestyling. Some of the lines included, "Nyepa hako, wakatorerwa bhebhi na Elikem/ but I love the way you lie fanika Eminem/". Moment of silence there, lol. Then Mox received an SMS that read, and I quote; "Shaz, hona zvikuita mpfanha uyu. Akundinyanyira. Mubvise or wonawo zvekuita", from Dear Old Stunner. That's quite a lot of feelings for someone who says "Don't catch feelings" whenever he runs out of English words. A little hypocritical I'd say. Oh, I didn't know about your wedding too, sir. Congratulations, toast to a happy union, I'm proud of you. Sidenote: I knew about Sulus's wedding through hype and grapevines everywhere, not yours. Talk about influence and relevance again. Furthermore, I happen to literally be one in a million who listened to your album- I'd tell you its title if I still remembered. And honestly; it's not all that. Soko Matemai has a better sound, A Few Good Poems has better artistry, Kingsvilla 2 has a better concept, Lake Chivero has a better flow, lol. I was with Jah Prayzah paWeekend for a United Methodist Music and Worship seminar, and we talked all day. He's a very good man. Very humble (the word applies here). And I wouldn't wanna throw shade on him in any way but mdara, mati song iya ndoBest muZimHipHop? Kwana iwe. It's not even in the Top 100, trust me. Let's ask Mono, let's ask Tuku, let's ask Nyamhondera, let's ask Nyathi wacho chaiye or any student at any college of music, aside the octaveal reach of Jah's vocals on that song, it's just another ordinary few minutes in Stunner's discography.
A few minutes into the note, I realized Stunner was trying too hard to sound like Kanye, quoting him quite too often also. I'm the biggest Kanye fan in the world so please understand why this itches me more than any uriri. It's honestly the jacking of style of the world's greatest musician by the worst rapper I know. Well, Kanye also bankrolled his Touch The Sky video, paid Pam Anderson over a million bucks, compared to the 250k budget by Def Jam. Kanye didn't get an award of any kind for that video except for another MTV rant and a lawsuit. (they shoulda given him the Best Dressed Award, I guess, hahaha....chirango). The difference however is that the Touch The Sky video was a classic masterpiece. Well, Stunner's was honestly pathetic and he ill-willingly confirmed it himself. Assuming, or fully aware rather, that Desmond knows nothing about cinematography, photography and never took Visual Arts classes, let me lecture this fool. Chance, Beyoncè, Weeknd, Ye, The Lights, Cole, Kenny latest videos are mostly one-shot. This is the new art, hama. It's very difficult, very impossible. All it takes is one camera, one shot for the duration of the whole video. Ok, to be Zimbabwean about this; check the Nadia Nakai assisted vid; Raga (not sure of the title, not an SA HipHop fan either). So Kanye wacho chaiye may not even use drone rauri kuBigger iroro, lol. Zvazvekare, tsano. Muri mhene zvenyu but hamuna brain, tsano. If you actually still fanfaronade about "drones", you could as well chant "Ndege, ndege!", in all politeness. Benzos in the video? So, so you deserve a best video award for that? Someone, how old is this dude? Maybe Begotten Sun isn't a good friend of yours after all coz he sure should've shown you the Changamire visuals. That's art, son. That's art. And Takura's video is actually wretched too, I'll take that, but the fact that you didn't connect the dots between kutsvaga maObama and the Commuter Omnibus goes on to make me ask; Ordinary Level makapasa here, tsano? MaC mangani? By the way, Sharky had a way better video. By waaaay better I mean...waaaaaaaaaaay better, and I'm not even a Sharky fan. And you said HipHop is not in the mainstream, cool! So why ask for an underground album to be aired? Dude, what's your academic level, honestly? Wanga unei Grade 7? STFU! already! Be like what countries? Which country plays underground HipHop paRadio? The moment it's played, it ceases being underground zve. HipHop is not in the mainstream so just keep it underground and distribute ikoko ka! Ahyas. Matter of fact, if matter is fact, you ain't underground; you're a mainstream has-been. And bringing in more international people doesn't help anyone just as much as the Land Of Opportunity won't benefit from Kanye bringing in Stunner on a song. Sidenote: who seriously needs your help?
Another good point: Takura does ordinary sh1t. He's not artistic at all. He's just like Stunner. Hamugone mese. JMP is obviously an intellect, I've worked with him on several artistic projects, and if he wasn't a friend of yours, he'd admit Tazoita Cash music is cacophony. Kanye crashed a car and almost lost his life, he didn't get a Hustle award. Birdman has a lot of cars too, and the only award he gets is lack of respek for him. God, Stunner's accent inomara, taurai Shona, mdara. Honestly, I don't get anything you're actually saying about your hustle, as smart as I am. Ray J also didn't get a Hustle award for his sextape. And not a soul cares about your house, your bed and more importantly, your music. But I honestly think Stunner deserved the gong, simply because it has nothing to do with music. Chirango zve, mukanya. Dre got that BET sh1t for signing a 3 billion dollar cheque, tell us again about your pathetic hustle, haha. I crib a block away from Cheso and his house is fuckin normal, but he's rich enough to crush you with his wallet so STFU!
Mr. Williams and Charlamagne had this Breakfast Club interview some few nights ago and I loved the "Radio no longer creates voices" tag. Someone who's almost two decades old in the industry and old enough to be my father ranting about lack of airplay is level with maximum fatuity. For the record; Profound is a radio guy, but he'll create a better song than that Humble piece any minute of the blue day. Lol, hanzi "I'm on iTunes, Spotify, Amazon, I'm there". Dude, how old are you, really? Ok, pre-k takaitira kupi? That's like an accountant saying I use a Journal, Ledger, Cashbook, lol. Dude, that's normal. Uda kuisepi music yacho? But for someone who raps "Speechless kunge gudo rarohwa mbama netsoko", I'll let it pass. Thanks for using the "respek" tag, for you're just as smart as Baby himself. Ah, guys, this accent! No, mhani. Sidenote: we actually don't see your pictures and the brands you're representing. I have to admit though, that Gokwe line was lit af, haha.
Last question: "If you're asked to choose between listening to Stunner's album or dying instead, which casket would you choose?"
Ok, obviously this won't get to Stunner, I'm no famous man, but I'm sure if it were to, dude's response would be anything from fame and riches; pinhead. Back to my TV set! What, Manchester United won!!!!!!!! #GGMU! #ZlatanTheGod
